Millennials Are Shameful

Dear Millennials,

Why are you ruining America? Every week, I see another mediocre business with falling sales suffer because of your higher standards. Who do you think you are? Why do you get to snub crappy products and services when they’ve been good enough for other generations? Talk about being entitled.

Why aren’t breasteraunts like Hooters and Twin Peaks good enough for you? Aren’t their double D entendres sophisticated enough for you? Hooters – get it? They’re talking about boobs, but pretending that it’s something about owls. That’s gold. And who doesn’t like a good boob pun with a side of wings? Anarchists and pagans, that’s who.

And what have Sears and JCPenny ever done to you? Their clothing and linens may be inspired by wall paper from the 1980’s, but it keeps things covered. Isn’t that what Americans need? To keep things covered? What more do you want?

And let’s talk about houses. Why aren’t you buying the biggest one you can find with your shrinking real wages? It’s un-American to wait. Please do your civic duty and take out a mortgage far above your means to support the poor bankers. They need a nice Xmas too.

In short, Millennials, mediocre industries are suffering and it’s your fault. Stop being selfish. Share your pitiful paycheck. Who cares about your suffocating student loans? A little more credit card debt never hurt anyone. Buy mediocrity and make America second rate again.

A Cranky Old Person Who Did Everything Better Than You Did

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