What Is A “Pearl Clutcher?”

Back in the olden days, when society was civilized, real ladies wore pearls. Their lives revolved around having babies, churning butter, worshipping husbands, making sandwiches, and staring lovingly at their children. Real ladies never complained. They took Xanax, and did everything while remaining perfectly coiffed. It was a lovely time to be alive.

Society was in perfect harmony. Men worked, while women made babies and sandwiches. There was no confusion. People knew their places. If a woman tried to disrupt societal balance by thinking, that impulse was promptly squashed by the neighborhood gossips. These fine ladies clutched their pearls and shamed any free-thinking hussies right back into the kitchen. All shoes were removed from the hussy’s house. Shamed and shoeless, women had no choice but to return to the kitchen barefoot, and hopefully, pregnant. The system worked.

And then it all went to hell. While the men went to war, the women left the house. They wore pants. They worked in factories. They riveted like a hoochie named Rosie. By the time men came back from fighting about stuff, the good old days were gone. Women wouldn’t stop wearing pants. Some women even did yoga in them. And no one made sandwiches anymore.

Which brings us to today. We’re all living in a sad modern world, with a bunch of pants-wearing women who don’t make sandwiches anymore. And it’s up to indignant members of society like myself to shame them back into submission.

Hence, through an all-natural, organic, toxinz-free, dolphin-doula supported labor, Pearl Clutchers Anonymous was born.